I haven’t been able to post for a while. I’ve been going to school, a local community college. I want to better myself. I want to pay back some the wonderful gifts that the people who really love me have given me. There have been so many gifts that I have just pissed away. I feel I have one last chance to show those people who believe in me that I can do something and succeed.
Many people have made me feel that I am undesirable and somewhat off in the head. I’m not. Them riding me into the ground because they enjoy being cruel is one thing, but me accepting what these people say, well, that’s even worse. I’ve accepted what others have told me I am all my life. I am a fat, unwanted, undesired, weirdo, whose mind works in a very bizarre and somewhat frightening way.
I’ve been made to feel odd and self conscious.
In reality, I am imaginative, opinionated, passionate, creative, playful, intelligent, honest; I am interested in many things, from history to composing music on computers. I can even love someone very deeply.
I am painfully self deprecative and I don’t take compliments well. Two qualities that spell disaster for someone who, as per the current paradigm, must sell themselves to an audience in hopes of them buying enough product for me to try and break even.
I tend to start a project and end up leaving it undone. Another quality not conducive to the current paradigm.
I am also older than the average independent musician. I don’t write the same type of music as nearly all of everybody I’ve heard using Propellerhead Reason 7.
What can I do to make this work? What can I change in myself to make this work?
Learning all I can about using Propellerhead Reason 7 and hopefully other applications classified as DAWS would be a good start. If memory serves me correctly, that’s why I started this blog in the first place.
I tend to keep tweaking the material and don’t consider that it may have been done many tweaks ago. Just like all the college classes I’m taking, I need to follow through and finish these projects. I tell myself that I’m developing pieces to teach myself how to mix and master the sound, but I’ve already passed the point of learning these things, I already have a good idea of what I’m doing.
For forty years I’ve had the dream of making an “album” of music. I’ve never have been able to complete one. I’ve never been able to complete a song. (There was that one time, but I got evicted the next day and it disappeared and all my camera equipment went with it.)
Don’t get me wrong…I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just facing up to what my life has become. Creatively, I’m incapable of finishing something I start. And that bugs the shit out of me. Is this something I’ve taught myself?
To be continued…